The internal turmoil brought about by confused feelings exists no longer.

And exist no longer do these feelings as well. I don't even know what brought me to entertain such thoughts. Clearly, this was caused by my uneventful life. I don't really consider two to three days of extreme sadness and emotional repression as my idea of an "event" but it's been the closest in a long time. I feel so happy for getting over this shit at once.

Because crushing on close friends has proven to be a threat to my sanity, I am permitting myself to like only friends, acquaintances and strangers. "Like-liking" close friends is a no-no. I guess I've learned the hard way and I'm never gonna let it happen again. At least I've mustered enough self-control this time around. Hurray for improvement even though I don't really think they're the same "genre".

I'm actually feeling pretty good tonight. I had a really good nap in the train. So good that I missed the station I was supposed to go to. The guard had to wake me up at the end station. I guess I slept with my mouth open because it was all dry when I woke up. Oh well. I am filled with so much energy right now!

Time of the month.

Hormones got me moody. Gah. Fuck this.

just because

Enough thinking for tonight.

I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive.

Honestly, I miss my iPod very much 'cause it's my boredom killer whenever I ride the train but I guess I've been too tired of everything to notice. College became hard so suddenly. Mounds of homework are given every day. And every single day is so... I dunno. Tiring. It's like I never have enough energy to socialize. Every boring day's the same. And I honestly want everything to be over. Like fast forward to Med school please. Nothing's exactly wrong but nothing's right either. I suddenly have bouts of low self-esteem then I become overly sensitive and excessively critical towards myself then I overly think then I just become depressed as hell and socially awkward. Then I suddenly don't want to go to school or talk to anyone. Then I feel lonely. And I try to make myself believe that I'm okay with the past and I'm ready to move on and I'm happy about what I have right now but everything shitty I've done suddenly comes back to me then I just feel more depressed. I couldn't forgive myself and I don't know when all this started but I feel like I'm living an empty life. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I just feel like I'm wasting it.

I wish I snap out of this shit soon.

I could use a little fuel myself.

Today, I woke up at 1:10 PM. Well, I actually woke up at around 10:00 with an intense stomach ache which was probably a sign from heaven that I should take a massive shit. I read a few cracked.com articles on my iPod before falling into deep sleep again. Some of my classmates went to Star City today but I said I won't be able to come because I was supposed to go to the dentist. Instead, my mom totally cancelled because I think she was too lazy to take me there. I became mildly pissed but I guess I didn't really want to socialize. I still feel tired from all the sleeping and lying around I did all day. I do hope I'll be able to sleep before 2 in the morning later.

I went to school yesterday to enroll. It took forever because Ate Kuya at Calderon Hall was so slow and so were the people at the Cashier's Office. Gabe told me that there was this MSS shit at Calderon so I decided to sit quietly at the CAS quadrangle because I didn't have anything to do. Interestingly, I didn't feel bored. It actually felt good just staring at that square patch of land and the plants around it. It was like everything was perfect in those few minutes. I felt calm and content and I realized that I have been feeling very tense for so long. I've been spending too much time thinking and waiting for things that aren't going to happen. Sitting quietly alone in that moment made me see that feeling myself breathe should be enough to make me happy because I'm still had time to live. When I die, I don't want to regret because I wasted my time hoping for things I'm never going to get. I know I couldn't change everything about my life. I couldn't run after everything I've lost. But there is still so much ahead of me and I wouldn't want to lose that too.  Things change and I'll feel different from the way I feel now. Maybe things that matter to me now won't matter in the future and fretting over them is just a waste of time. All that matters is now because it's the only thing I have. My contemplation was ruined when I saw two large rats running around so I stood up and went to Pedro Gil but Ate Guard said that there wasn't any MSS shit there so I just went home.

Second Semester starts tomorrow. I still have to fix my body clock, though.

Long live the car-crash hearts

Yesterday, while staring blankly at the laptop screen, I suddenly missed listening to Fall Out Boy. I started listening to them when I was in seventh grade. Back then, we only had dial-up internet so I wasn't able to download their albums. Luckily, one of my mom's friends gave me a copy of From Under the Cork Tree. I really like most of the songs in that album. I was only able to listen to Infinity on High because one of my classmates had a copy of that album. I borrowed his CD but I forgot to save the songs so I decided to download them. I only like a few songs from that album but it felt good listening to all the songs from that album again. Listening to the songs made me feel nostalgic. I remembered how I enjoyed these songs back in first year high school. I couldn't explain clearly how I felt. It's like what you feel when you watch your favorite childhood cartoons and you remember how happy you were watching them. And you just feel happy all over again. I'm really thankful for things like this that don't ever change.

Infinity on High

Incidentally, I got my Comm I and II grades yesterday as well. I got 1.25 for Comm I and 2.00 for Comm II and based on my GWA computations, I'm a University Scholar! Well, I didn't really get a very high grade compared to my classmates but I'm still very happy. I sort of feel bad that I didn't do my best in the term paper but it's okay. I promise to do better next semester. But right now, I'm just gonna enjoy the happiness while it lasts.

Straight and fast to the depths of my soul

I decided to create a new blog because all I ever do in Tumblr is reblog and I couldn't find a way to edit the CSS of my Livejournal account (which was deleted yesterday, along with my old Blogspot blogs). I've been very emotional in my previous blogs because of trivial things which was why I was disgusted when I read my posts there. I never realized that I was so depressed. Well, things are different now and I guess I've become a better person. This blog will hopefully serve as the channel to my soul (assuming I have one), although this will probably end up as another rant dump but whatever.

I was really bored a while ago so I decided to draw an angler fish. I find angler fish to be very mysterious. They swim in the depths of the ocean, surrounded only by darkness. I also find the light in their heads very clever. I'm not suggesting I believe in the idea of intelligent design (because I'm an atheist) but angler fish are fascinating, nevertheless.

brought to you by my humble point-and-shoot

I would like to thank my friend who gave me this wonderful box of crayons